A stupid gourmet donut, a planned scavenger hunt of cards and gifts, and a glance later. I’m still struggling to understand what’s going wrong.
An interesting thing happened just now! So for Patrick’s birthday, I am doing something of a small scavenger hunt around town and the first clue I’m going to mail to him. I realized in the middle of tonight that I never put a stamp on it and there was no return address.
I checked online to see what happens but there were mixed responses. I decided I would go out and check, at 1 am, if the mail lady took the time to see it had no stamp and then leave it there. I noticed the other day that it hasn’t mailed yet but I thought nothing of it. Anyway, so I put on my robe and take a flashlight down my long dirt driveway and saw that my letter had fallen on the ground in front of the mailbox. It was a little damp with dew but I’m so glad I found it. In the top corner of my bright green string-sealed envelope, a question mark is drawn where the stamp should be.
Thank you, mail lady.
I wish I could see you, just for a minute, so I can give you a hug. I haven’t seen your face in a week. I know things are stressful for you and that you don’t want to rock the boat, but things are stressful for me, too. It hurts to know you’re sleeping when I’m struggling to, and that I wake up every day hoping it will be the day you can see me, and it isn’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate being heartbroken when we’re not even apart.
In the process of breaking up with my feelings because I’m too attached. It’s sort of heartbreaking, not being able to share all my feelings or thoughts for fear of embarrassing myself or seeming like too much. But I guess I’m not only in love, but I’m also infatuated as he is in love but not infatuated, or something. So caring too much, not the best feeling. Hard to fix. Everything is easier said than done. Heart hurts, but I want to be mature and consistent with his degree of balancing between other things and us.
Trying to fight the urge to tell him that he doesn’t ever have to feel insecure about anything because I think he’s the greatest at everything. Or that I love him so much, all his perceived imperfections and mannerisms. That I love talking to him and I never want to go back home when we’re together. My heart wants to share how much he means, but my head makes the final decision. “Your heart can’t afford to be told in response, ‘Aww thanks, babe. You too, hun.’ It can’t afford feeling put down every time he can’t make plans, or being embarrassed when you say too much about making love together.” Every time I feel a flutter I have to crush it, or else I’m afraid I’m going to be heartbroken worse than I’ve ever been before.
May 24 will mark my last day of high school. Meanwhile I’m just chillin’ today.